Empowering Options
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Empowering Options
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Friday, 16 October 2009 20:32 |
By Cheri DeMoss MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS
Keep in mind that abuse comes in many forms. There is physical, sexual, intellectual, verbal and emotional abuse. Abusive behavior DOES NOT have to be intentional. Victim behavior DOES NOT have to be intentional.
There cannot be a victim without an abuser and vice versa. This is a behavioral pattern – a dynamic that exists between two people, whether they are aware of it or not. This pattern is taught to us, usually in childhood and starts to re-enact itself in our adult lives.
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Empowering Options
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Saturday, 03 October 2009 20:00 |
By Cheri DeMoss MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS
Words are important but how you treat a child is more important, especially the subtle messages you give off when the child is around you. Children are young but they are not unintelligent. They memorize you. They memorize things you don’t want to know or admit about yourself.
If you have a violent or abusive marriage, the child will memorize and believe that a loving home is a home where there is self-absorbed abuse of this kind.
If you create a controlling and reactionary environment the child will memorize and believe that loving is suppose to be filled with controlling and reactionary behaviors.
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Empowering Options
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Friday, 18 September 2009 04:44 |
By Cheri DeMoss MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS
For most of us, learning to separate our reactions from the intentions of others is a completely foreign concept. Typically our reaction becomes their intention. If they did something that hurt our feelings then their intentions become: They wanted to hurt our feelings. We learn this early on in our families.
When our parent gets angry with us for spilling the milk, they twist the situation to make us feel bad and wrong by talking about our intentions. They’ll say: “You spilled the milk because you want to see me cleaning up after you day and night. You don’t care about how hard I try to keep this house clean.”
It’s impossible for children to think their way through this emotionally abusive behavior. Our brains cannot yet process abstract thought.
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Empowering Options
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Friday, 04 September 2009 18:02 |
By Cheri DeMoss MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS
When we’re listening to someone most of the time we’re listening for how they’re like us (in thoughts, feelings or actions) and then we feel they’re right. Think about it, of course they’re right if they’re like us because we all operate from a validation deficit – a basic need like hunger and thirst that has seldom been met.
When we come across someone like us we feel validated, so we act accepting and approving of them in our words, actions or thoughts.
Since we don’t find many people who are exactly like us we then default into what we were taught to do... listen for how they are wrong, how they don’t make sense, and how that makes them bad.
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Empowering Options
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Friday, 21 August 2009 19:03 |
By Cheri DeMoss MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS
Abusive people, especially those that are verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually abusive to children have a missing part of their personality – a lack of empathy. This causes them to create rationalizations as to why: the child wanted sex; the child needed to be hit; the child should be blamed and shamed, etc.
They actually believe that the child and others did something to warrant being screamed at, demeaned, humiliated, and made to feel physically or emotionally powerless. Abusive people blame those they abused for their abusive behavior.
These rationalizations allow them to justify, otherwise unjustifiable treatment of those around them. Their self worth is weak so they tend to be judgmental of people who are different than them. Abusers are easily threatened.
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