By Cheri DeMoss, MA, LCPC, CADC, NCADCII, MAC, NCRS

The four most basic and prevalent parenting styles are:

Overly Permissive Style

Overly permissive parents feel helpless and set few consistent limits. Without clear, reasonable, and consistent boundaries and limits, children feel scared and insecure and will act this out in how they behave. The child learns to make excessive demands on these kinds of parents. These parents usually don’t know what is best for the child, so they give in to the pressure of the moment.

However, when they reach their limit they will yell, scream, and attack the child emotionally – sometimes physically. When they calm down, they then revert back to being permissive.

Children raised with this type of parenting style don’t get the sense of safety, security, and consistent acceptance that all children need. They grow up to be insecure, dramatic, and anywhere from unpleasant to seriously disturbed adults.

Authoritarian Style

Authoritarian parents usually feel certain they are right (or at least they act certain). They have strict rules for the sake of having strict rules. These parents have little to no understanding of what a child needs and they are more focused on what they need from the child.

Their self-esteem, as parents, rests with having an obedient child. They make rules to ensure obedience, even when there is no reason to expect disobedience. They rule by fear rather than love and respect.

The punishments used are much more severe than needed. They will often use physical abuse as punishment, and always use emotional abuse. They will shame, blame, demean, and humiliate the child. They have an almost religiously strong belief that the child must feel bad about themselves and what they have done.

Children raised with this type of parenting style don’t get what they need either. They grow up to be extremely self- and other-critical. They are judgmental in the same ways their parents were judgmental of them. As adults, they become either very passive or withdrawn, and tremendously insecure (usually girls), or they become like the abusive, controlling authoritarian that raised them (usually boys).

An Inconsistent Blended Style

Parenting that blends the overly permissive and authoritarian styles is the most confusing, emotionally abusive, and damaging for the child. The parent is inconsistent and goes back and forth between both styles. These confusing double messages cause the child to live in a state of constant fear and anxiety.

Children raised with this inconsistent mix not only lack the sense of security and acceptance needed, but they learn that nothing they do matters. They feel ineffectual and eventually apathetic about themselves and their place in the world. Despite their best efforts, nothing they do is ever right. They grow up to be underachievers at best. At worst, they are the adults that have low- or non-existent goals, unstable relationships, and a deep belief in their own worthlessness.

A Clear Parenting Style

A clear parenting style helps raise positive and successful children, who possess high self-esteem.

It creates children that grow into responsible, independent, and esteemed adults. These parents don’t feel helpless or infallible. They set fair, clear guidelines that ensure the child’s safety, development, and self-esteem. They show sensitivity and understanding for the child’s feelings and are able to be reasonable yet firm. They understand how important it is to objectively observe their child’s behavior and use the information as a window into their child’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

They don’t create power struggles with their child. These types of parents do not need to feel superior or “more right” than their child. They don’t raise their self-esteem by lowering their child’s.

On issues that are not crucial, they allow the child to be right without feeling threatened; and on important issues, they set fair limits that the child can understand.

Parents that use a clear style of parenting are not interested in unnecessarily strict control over the child. They have fair, clear, and firm rules that change as the child’s needs change.

These parents have few power struggles with their child because they are much more interested in being rational and reasonable than they are in about being right.

Children raised with this style of parenting have an inherently positive outlook about themselves and their world. They easily set goals and most often they attain the goals they set. Their high level of self-esteem allows them to be self-caring in all aspects of their lives. These children grow up to be successful, confident, and content adults.